Spam Tales

Feeling lazy writing wise. Heres a bit of art I created a while ago from a series called Spam Tales. It reads:
'How Smart are YOU?'
'How close are you to being a genius?'
'Are you smarter than George Bush?'
Liguori Wunderlin, 'Millionaire Mentor Needs YOU', Generous Lender
YourBrain - 'Get paid for Yours'. 'Assured Life', 'Get a New Body for NO Money!'


Brain Transplant
paper collage, ink

Over a few months I compiled a list of interesting spam senders and titles. I mashed them into semi-coherent spiels then I came up with collages for each story. There were 5 in the series. 3 of them, this one included, were mainly composed of material from an late 19th C children's annual that was beyond repair. I doctored the images - for example the women were not so curvey - the old fashioned way, with a scalpel and ink! The other 2 used magazine ads for perfume and womens underwear :D

She's got legs!

Listening to: ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order

A week of several firsts for me:
0 Bought my first set of tyres. Chose not to cut corners on choice of tyre. I thought I wouldn’t have enough money to go out this week to my favourite night club, Cabaret Nocturne as a result. Ironically the venue for CN is a neighbouring tenant to this tyre shop.

0 Spoke with my manager about the possibility of my progress through the company into management. She said has mentioned to our regional manager, my good management potential. This was the first time she and I had discussed it. Finally, a employer that has real opportunities for advancement - and not spin doctoring to suck you into thinking you can grow :/

0 Walked out of Max Brenners really pissed off, contemplating ripping up my frequent cupper card, after getting fed up with waiting for service. My buddy and I chatted for a while expecting the usual attentive service on a Friday night. Had to ask for menu after about 10 minutes, then we waited another 15 minutes to place our order via waiter/ess. Stupid git of a waitress appeared to think wiping the tables next to us was more important than checking to see if we were being served, or even ackowledging that we were there at all!!! Seriously disappointed :( We had such a nice history Max B and I. Have had only good things to say about the place until now. May not go back there again - ever. F*** 'em.

0 Bought my first trench coat. Rain proof, fully lined and necessary because…

0 …Wore fishnet hosiery in public (to CN). Actually I’ve never worn fishnets in private either, unless you count trying them on, so it’s a first on two counts :)

0 Saw a burlesque show (@ CN). Never been to one before. It bored me [shrug]. Do you need to be attracted to women to find this interesting?

While I haven’t gotten to the stage where I can dance totally alone on the dance floor and be completely comfortable, I think I’m getting there. There were a few times last night where I thought I’d be totally alone. After feeling a small panic and cursing quietly, I persisted dancing in the darkest corner I could find. I ended up being ‘joined’ by at least one other person, sometimes a small crowd.

That’s the beauty of goth clubs: you can dance by yourself and that’s perfectly normal, while not attracting too much unwanted male attention. Be a woman dancing by herself in a mainstream club and … Well, I haven’t tried it but I’m sure I wouldn’t like it. Found intrusive/intoxicated males annoying enough when dancing with other people.


Did you know...
WARNING: Retchworthy factoids to follow.
… Humpback whales have almost the same weight of testicles as they have of brains? That’s 5 kg of brain to 4 kg of testicles.

To prepare a whale skeleton from a carcass, museum curators must extract that brain. It’s usually done with a hose fed into the back of the skull. Turn the hose on and the water displaces the brain which ‘balloons out like pink minced tripe if it’s fresh, or rotten haggis if it’s off.’* Despite what you’ve read in this blog about my skull recovery escapades, this is a skull I’d leave to the professionals! When they don’t have a hose they will scoop it out with their hands - yech.


* Van Dyk, Dr Steve ‘Humpbacks: cannon balls and brains’, Nature Australia, Spring 2004, page 20

[smirk]

Listening to: ‘Dirty Mind’ by Shakespear’s Sister

On Monday I had trouble getting anything in focus on a telescope a customer was interested in, so got my colleague to help out. She took it and him outside the store into the atrium. Being towards the end of the day it was getting dark*. Too dark to focus on anything, save for one store: Bras ‘n’ Things. [outer smirk, giggles, some post customer cackles]

Was standing at tram stop on St Kilda Road this afternoon, Fed Square side, when I happened to look up and see a 2’ high sign saying ‘C OCKS’ [inner smirk] It was the sign for the gambling den next to the station, which normally reads (Taberet?)‘CLOCKS’ but I had happened to stand in a spot where the frame for the windows of the tram stop opposite, cut out the ‘L’. While on the tram it happened again. Two foot high ‘COCKS’ strategically framed by the tram’s windows. [another inner smirk], actually reads ‘ALCOCKS’. They are a pool and gaming tables supplier.


In other news...
[singing like Marilyn Monroe to JFK]
Happy Birthday… to you
Happy Birthday… to you
Happy Birthday… Johnny Depp…
Mmmmm :*)
Happy Birthday… to you


*When using a telescope for terrestrial use you need daytime conditions. When using it for space you need night time conditions with a minimum of ‘light pollution’.

Seperated at birth?

My best friend has suggested to me - on more than one occasion - that John Howard and Penfold the hamster from Dangermouse look alike.
"But Penfold is cute!" I retort.
Having put them side by side like this I think he has a point. Ooh crumbs!

Equine Enigma

I was reading an article in a back issue of Artichoke* on the train earlier in the week. The article looked at the excellent - do yourself a favour and see it - new Racing Museum at Federation Square, Melbourne. Captions for the pictures and further discussion of a particular feature in a project reminded me that wanky descriptions and use of ridiculously wordy language are still integral to the design culture.

'Dynamic spatial experience of the void draws visitors into the museum.'
'A glazed screen wraps the supergraphic around the multi-level pedestrian access void'
'The dynamic ribbon oscillates between two-dimensional graphic and architectonic element, resolving at various points into both. While unifying the necessary but disparate parts of the entry experience, this device also links the entry level to the museum...'

Wank, wank, wank, etcetera. 10 points to the first reader to guess what is being described.


Another equine related enigma is...
...This cigar band, from something my dad smoked. The horse is a disembodied head. Perhaps the dude holding the reins is with the mob? :P




*Design Institute of Australia's quarterly magazine - I used to be a member 'til I decided it was pointless given my current careeer trajectory.

Natural History (Dead Stuff) continued

WARNING: You may not want to read this before/during dinner/if you're squeamish when it comes to dead things

We dug up the rabbit skull (see Archives, February). Unfortunately we had left it in the ground for too long. The fissures that hold the bones of a skull together, had begun to seperate. The thinner parts at the base of the skull had partially disintegrated. The intricate nasal cavity folds - surprisingly similar to the fox in intricacy but obviously in a shorter snout - were crumbling. While useless for my brother's skull collection, I may yet use it in a sculpture...

Fortunately the darned blackbirds had disturbed the comorant skull a couple of months ago when it was almost ready. It's sitting in a plastic container waiting to me to dab a bit of PVA glue on its skull fissues, mandible and what not. Why didn't we just dig up the rabbit skull back then? In previous anticipation (is that a tautology?), we dug up gooey possum and rancid fox, that's why.

Blasphemy

Just thought I'd share this with you :/

The following clipping is in poor taste. I snipped it some time ago from an interior design trade magazine. In case any of you are viewing this on a public computer with a crappy screen it says
'Designer ware to die for'
with a pic of a reproduction, of the world's most famous pieta` (depiction of the Virgin Mary and the dead body of Christ).

I can't believe the company concerned thought this was publishable copywriting. Did the right hand know what the left hand was doing?


I consider myself lucky to have seen the original, albeit behind glass. It's a very emotive sculpture in the flesh. I'm not a believer but by goodness, Michelangelo was a genius [solemn nod]

Why Lady Meerkat?

Lady Meerkat is like her animal namesake because she:
Is brown and athletic
Has big brown eyes
Has a little, pointy nose
Has long digits
Is usually perky and alert
Digs holes (and fills them in again with organic matter, plants and more dirt)
Has been seen perched on top of raised objects in order to see/access stuff
Stand on her toes to see better (top of CDs in racks at library)
Is dexterous
Has acute reflexes (gotten much better since started playing soccer)
Cooperative, a team player
Has bitten, nipped and nibbled her own species (in the best way :} )
Is charismatic, cute and adorable when she wants to be
Can be snarly and snappy when crossed
Eats meat
Stands upright

Lady Meerkat is not like her animal namesake because she:
Sometimes finds company stifling
Doesn't eat scorpions, grubs and snakes
Isn't stripey
Isn't covered from head to toe in fur, (although she does have downy to peach fuzz, all over and hairy non-scalp parts like every other female, homo sapiens. Is that too much information? :P)
Doesn't have a tail
Is fascinated not scared by the sight of a raptor in the sky
Has a blog. [drums] ba dah ba ping!

Lady Meerkat is a lady because she:
Covers her mouth when she coughs, burps or yawns*
Excuses herself when she burps*
Puts her napkin/serviette on her lap
Uses a knife and fork where available
Says please and thankyou
Avoids profanities*
Opens the bottle of wine a guest has brought to drink with dinner
Tries not to interrupt others when they are talking (though sometimes her meerkat enthusiasm gets the better of her)
Lets other passengers alight before getting onto public transport (among many other courteous things**)
Holds her long skirts clear of steps when climbing the stairs

Lady Meerkat is not a lady because she indulges in the following when not in polite company:
[puts hand in front of mouth while yawning]
Sorry, must go and get my beauty sleep.
Can't look as fab as I do without enough sleep ;)
Goodnight dearies...



*when in public
[edit 06/05]**benefitting (sp?) complete strangers!

Social Bat

Went to my second Goth Forum meet up and my first Golgotha (it's a bit like Blue Monday, in that it's always on a long weekend, and everyone attends if they can). Had a great time meeting more people as well as getting to know a little bit better the few I've already met.

Goreki, you're my favourite kind of funny-perky-crazy - even nuttier than me - I love that!

I would have stayed longer but my brother/companion was getting tired and I wanted to pay my share of the taxi fare. We can't all be extra perky meerkats, buzzing from drinking guarana and gingko laced fruit juice all day :*D Btw that is really good stuff if you want to get a caffeine buzz/stay awake naturally. It's like drinking coffee but your breath smells better and you don't have to pee as much. I got mine from Coles Express in the refrigerated juice aisle.

WTF?

My brother bought a box of second hand model trains at Camberwell Market. Yesterday I noticed this piece of packaging from it. We were bemused. It reads:
'TAMMY (R)
Solid state full circuit toilet tissue dispenser
radio ... for complete private enjoyment
MODEL : E - 1077'
Weirdo train nuts ;)

Tammy, Model: E- 1077



In other news...
My best friend is back at work, doing light duties. Upon my request, in exchange for house sitting favours, we're going to see the Lion King when it's here in Melbourne :D The puppetry and costumes for that look amazing [nod]

Registering high on the BS scale

The following appeared in yesterday's job section of The Age, My Career:
'We seek an experienced sales professional for our dynamic retail store. Our vision is to inspire individuals to step up and become leaders whilst being champions at turning out results within their own lives...'

Intriuging, isn't it? Also stinks of BS or similar. Here's why:
'...The successful applicant will be working within the Gilbert Retail Group which is one of the most dynamic multi-store groups of Cash Converter Stores.'

Who writes this crap?

24 uses for a little,dead, green man*

I own a piece of Alessi! Why is this so exciting?
Official Alessi Website

Alessi aka The Dream Factory, is an Italian design group that been around since 1921. They started off manufacturing metal tea services. Over the years they have elevated some designers to international fame; Michael Graves, Philippe Starck, as well as Australians Marc Newson (grrrr) and artist Susan Cohn (she designed the cohndom box). Today, Alessi is synonymous with bright, playful - and expensive - homeware.

So how can a Part Time retail worker afford Alessi? Simple: she shops at Savers :D I was wandering through there as I usually do after handing in my fortnightly form to Centrelink (Savers and Centrelink are on opposite sides of the same block here). Saw this funny green man lying on the shelf with a tummy that doubled as a pen holder. Flipped him over and there’s the Alessi logo. Whoah… this is a big deal for a former Industrial Design student to find Alessi going for $3.99 in as new condition. After all of those years of admiring cool stuff that I thought I’d never own.

I’m not a label ho mind you. I gave some thought as to what I was going to do with this dude. Did I have a use for him? Where would he take up pen holding duty? Oh hell with it, figure it out when ya get home, you can finally own Alessi. Wheeeee! He’s looking good next to my computer :)

It was my day at Savers yesterday - and not just for the bright green, Alessi voodoo doll/dead dude that you stick pens into. Noooo. I also found:
~ a velvet trimmed, black, wool felt hat from Italy which, with a bit of sewing in the right spots, I am going to turn into a 3 point hat aka a PIRATE HAT! *excited*
~ some little black gloves, with an embroided detail, with fingers that actually fit my elegantly long digits. They must be an older than they look because they are made in Western Germany.
~ a black, ¾ lace sleeve (fitted then flares/ruffs out in a Baroque/Rococco, late 18th c. style, don’t know technical term) top, with ribbon trim, lace up bodice detail with lace behind that on the front. The cool comfort of a singlet top, with the elegance of flowing sleeves. Needs a little mending. Plan to sew in a satin panel behind the lace detail since you can see bra through lace panel. I don’t want to do a Gwyeneth Paltrow and go without, since that look is no better IMHO.
All of this for $14.95! ‘Twas a good start to my day. I trotted home with a little smile on my face.

Erm, do I sound materialistic with two consecutive posts about 2nd hand acquisitions? Sorry. Just wanted to share my excitement in these purchases. This won’t become a shopping blog. Promise :P

In other news…
Got another MLP (Moondancer is yellow, with red and purple mane, glitter moon and stars on her rump), this time from an Op Shop near my best friend’s house. We were house sitting for him. His was the first house I sat. Have taken care of other people’s animals before. This was more challenging but overall enjoyable.

Have visited Caberet Nocturne @ Dream for the third time and reckon I’m in danger of becoming a regular ;) Looks like I’ve re-entered the scene at an excellent point in time! Good people, good music. *happy sigh*

*Hold 23 pens/pencils/things, plus you could use him as a paper weight

Tips: Running a stall at a 2nd Hand market

Went to Camberwell market in morning. This afternoon, revisited my childhood, cleaning, then grooming my purchase of a pink My Little Pony!! Wheee! This pony is the same age and series (c.1982) as the one my sister had (Blossom, see link). Have been wanting to buy an original '80s MLP for a while now, vainly 'trying' to find the one I had (Applejack in non 'Earth' pose). @ $4 may have paid a little too much for her, but she is vintage, 22 years old MLP. I've seen them at the Chapel Street Bazaar for around $12, so this is not too bad.


Cotton Candy

Figured I'd be able to identify her on the internet and I did in a few minutes. Man, I'm good with a search engine. Could using a search engine to find a piece of information, be a tournament competition? If so count me in [aah smug mode]. Wow, there's a whole community of collectors out there who are experts on MLPs!

http://www.hallelnet.com/von/links/frm_search.htm

Anyhooo, got a bit distracted by that. Had planned to write up :

Tips on running a stall at a 2nd Hand market
1. Don't put prices on everything. If they are too high you appear inflexible, not open to haggling.
2. Be open to haggling. I don't care how much it cost you new. It's second hand now. Do you want to sell it or not?
3. Launder your clothes. I won't bother asking you how much something is if I don't think I can get that stain/mark off.
4. Spend money to make money, hire a clothes rack. I don't want to crawl through a pile of clothes on the off chance I'll find something I like. Nor do I want to burrow about in a box.
5. Put small toys in boxes. I love to burrow about and find a gem of a toy down the bottom.
6. Don't be too tidy/orderly. Present your goods so that people can see what you have to offer but remember you are not a retail outlet. Customers will make a mess of your neatly folded t-shirts and carefully aligned junk. Leave it that way. It looks like you had something of interest and maybe there's more.
7. Use cardboard boxes to transport goods and sell out of them with things like books and CDs
8. Align the spines of your CDs and books so that I don't have to work to find out if you have what I want.
9. After someone asks you the price, observe their reaction. For thing you just want to get rid of, offer a lower price if they put it down rather than haggle. Drop it if people keep asking but no one buys!!!
10. Avoid speaking in a foreign language about something that will make you laugh. It makes shoppers paranoid and it's also impolite. Also on conversations; don't be so absorbed in one that you don't notice a customer waiting for you to shut up and tell them how much something is.

In other words, make it easy for customers to assess and access your stuff!
Time is precious. It's of the essence. The early meerkat gets the MLP :P

Push hard, push it. Push it real good!

What is the deal with Christians trying to convert the rest of us? I don't know about you, but at the end of the working day and I just want to get home at my own brisk pace, uninterrupted by ditherers and flyer pushers.

Last week they really went the whole hog at Footscray station. There was the usual bottle neck caused by ditherers compounded by a set of flyer pushers on the bridge. One was yelling - like a butcher at the market about choice lamb chops - that Jesus loves us and has a purpose for us all blah blah blah. Then at the foot of the ramp were more of them including a little girl (about 7-8 yo) pushing more flyers. Next to them were people singing and playing guitar. They were using an amp so it was a bit overwhelming in such a small area. Then finally more flyer pushers. By the time I got to them, my polite 'sorry, no' had become a hissed 'no thanksss'.

Vampire Doobees and Squishiness

I'm addicted to the Melbourne Goth Forum! Just thought I'd explain the dearth of posts here.

My new word is 'doobee' as in ,
'Where's the doobee that fits on my electric toothbrush?'
'You put the solution into the doobee the pull the trigger. Voila, bubbles!'
A replacement word for 'thingy' since my Dad uses that now. This is cuter and it reminds me of Mr DoBee from Romper Room. Used to have a plush toy of him.

Woke up with two little bite marks about an inch from each other, on my belly. Does this mean I've been bitten by a vampire in the night ;P Well mozzies do drink human blood - as well as any other blood the little bitches* can get their faces into. Last week at soccer there seemed to be a plague of them. Couldn't stand still without them settling on you. Drove me nutty with the flapping about and noises - and that was just me. I was goalie for 10 minutes at the most. In that time I killed at least 6 of them on me. Another 6 probably drew blood and got away with it.

Thanks for your concern about my BEST friend who fell off the ladder. I'll be sure to pass on that deluge of comments to him. Did I mention he has read this blog? He could have been paralysed you know. He isn't but he could have been if it wasn't for squishy rocket toys. Although he wouldn't have been up that ladder at that time, if it wasn't for squishy rocket toys getting caught on the lighting grid. Damn and thank goodness for squishy rockets! As it is, he won't be back at work for a while yet and is relying on meds for his mobility.

*Only the females drink blood. They need the extra nutrition to produce eggs. The males drink nectar.

The Door

Last night I took home one of the toys (Yo-ho Diablo) from our store to practice with using its CD-ROM. I put some big cushions on the floor to dull the thud of each time I dropped it. My brother wanted to have a go. We shut the door so the noise wouldn’t bother anyone else. I found the CD ROM to be completely useless for this toy. In a huff I went to open the door.

The study door has given us trouble on and off and this time we can’t open it.

I thump on the door so someone will open it from the outside. No reply. So we yell a bit and thump some more. Help arrives but The Door won’t budge from outside. We’re stuck.

My brother tells our Dad to get some wire from his desk – he has been making chain mail using copper wire – but he comes back empty handed saying he doesn’t know what to get. Then our Dad fumbles about with a few screwdrivers in order to get the door knob plate off - not sure what that would achieve – while my brother tells him to leave it alone and starts trying to undo the string from the Diablo to somehow get the door open. I offer to sacrifice a copper, wire bird skeleton* I made some time ago, in order to pick the lock. That isn’t what he had in mind for the wire though, so he keeps on loosening the string for the Diablo. I sit there looking on patiently then…

…My VM tool box! Thank goodness someone moved it in here. I’d left it in the hallway from doing windows the day before. It’s here on the fireplace hearth. There must be something in here to get us out. I’ve got some string already so you don’t need to pull the Diablo apart, I say, and a screwdriver (our Dad is still fumbling away with screwdrivers complaining that all our good ones aren’t available). How about some steel picture cable? Excellent!
[cue music from McGyver!]
My cluey bro fiddles and threads the wire around the door striker, pulls and tugs and slips the striker out to open the door.

I’d been wearing a ‘guardian angel’ pin a friend gave me recently, to work yesterday. It could be just luck but I can’t help thinking maybe the little, golden fella helped.

Bytheway, that credit card trick that you see in movies to open doors is pure nonsense. That would only work if your carpenter is a thickie and forgot to put the door jam in (the thing the door butts up against when you shut it). We already knew this for a while of course - we’re a savvy family, especially my bro, when it comes to these things - but did you?

*Bit of semi-crappy sculpture I did. I could probably do better now :)

Mark Ryden

Loved Mark Ryden's work from the first time I encountered it on the cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘Dangerous’, and pirated on nightclub passes. Excellent stuff, great artistic technique, fantastic juxtaposition of the sweet and innocent with perverted ideas and black humour, would put something of his on wall if I could afford that extravagance*.

*Mark Ryden's work is available at The Outre` gallery on Elizabeth Street, Melbourne.

Natural History (Dead Stuff)

After the storms on Wednesday, my brother and I went beach combing at Williamstown. He has a skull collection, and was hoping to find something more to add it. I looked for interesting objects that I could use in a sculpture or jewellery, like driftwood and shells.

There were lots of washed up blue jelly fish. I rescued beached sea slugs and a couple of shrimp that were still alive.

There were two dead rabbits near the beach. Not clear how they died. The first one had one hind leg ripped off and bits of entrail poking out. We found the limb nearby. No blood but maybe that was washed away by the heavy rain. The second rabbit was bigger with a little blood on one nostril so maybe it had some kind of head trauma. It was near the car park.

Amongst the flotsam and jetsam across the beach, were about six dead comorants. No idea why there were so many dead birds of the one species. Perhaps they were juvvies who didn’t know a storm until it hit them, and got washed up afterwards.

So my brother got two new skulls for his collection. It’s not as gory or morbid as it sounds. Sure, you can’t be a squeamish type to collect this sort of thing. Skeletons and skulls are beautiful in their structure and form. We like to approach it from a layman’s scientific point of view. I like attempting to figure out how the animal died by examining the body. It’s more of a post mortem prod than autopsy (I wanted to be a vet once upon a time).

It’s very interesting to makes comparisons between species of bird, to observe to difference between a fox skull and a cat skull (much longer and more intricate nasal cavity in fox), the fusion lines and eye sockets can be compared between a cat and a brush tail possum which have similar sized heads and eyes. Placental versus marsupial, canine versus feline, parrot versus finch.



Answers to some of your possible questions (yes I know, adding this means some people may not comment):

No, we do not, nor ever will, kill anything to obtain these skulls.

Yes we avoid pulling things apart when it’s a fresh corpse. Although we only want the head, most of the time it’s just too much bother to pull/cut it off plus it could get damaged in the process.

Yes we have brought dead bodies home in plastic bags but that isn’t how it started. The first skulls were found in our backyard (birds and a rat) and under the house (semi-mummified cat).

Yes, we’ve seen and smelt animals in the process of decomposition that made us grimace about how disgusting it was. Which is why we try to be as patient as possible with the earthworms and bugs who process the bodies/heads. Recently we were lucky enough to get a small population of the type of beetles used by museums to clean up a corpse. A bird had died in our backyard so we were able to introduce these naturally occurring bugs to some extra material. We avoid touching any of it with our bare hands, until it’s thoroughly cleaned/washed.

No, our parents don’t have a problem with this. They respect that we have enquiring minds. In fact my mother is the one who spotted the fox on a morning walk

No, we would never process the skull of an animal we knew when it was alive / a pet / a failed rescue.

A lemon isn't a lemon

All pith and no juice, what a dud this particular lemon was!

However, I think to call something a lemon when it's disfunctional, isn't very accurate since lemons are one of the most useful fruit around. You can cook with them in so many styles of cuisine in sweet, sour, savoury. Used as cleansing agents, fresh smelling. Lemonade, lemon tea. Get rid of fishiness from a frying pan, cutting board, or onion/garlic smell, any bad smell on cutting board, knife, or hands by rubbing with fresh lemons. It's all good.

Any suggestions of what a dud thing should be called instead of a lemon?

Chirpy

Got contract today, and am now permanent part timer!

Saved a cricket in the tea room from starvation. From the corner of my eye I thought it was a cocky and stamped at it. I missed. It dodged my foot then I saw it was a cricket. Caught it in the plastic box my lunch roll came in. At the end of my shift I went across to the garden beds in front of the State Library and released it.